I'm not a friends kind of person that can survive without a relationship. All my friends have their own love life, I have none. I rather have someone that I can quarrel with, break up with, miss & kiss.
I'm a 19 going on 20 and don't even know what's a real relationship like. What is it like to really to felt love from someone that you really will give it all, for someone that is willing to meet you regardless the time of the day, someone that finds your jokes funny, someone that is yearning for you, someone willing you respect you for who you are.
I know there is a person in this world that will do that to me. That is my Dad. But I need to find another someone so that he can rest assured that he will take care of me when he is gone.
There is never a person that really love me, not that I knew of. Where can I find another guy that love me like my Dad do? My mum is lucky to find him. Seriously.
I've shed blood and tears for guys that I thought will be that person. It's nothing that I can control of.
With 3 adults filling up my life since 1990, my mentality grew much faster than any of my peers. I start to like guys when I was 5, start contributing to what I really want, for him at the age of 6.
Slowly, the contributions gets bigger, months changed to years.
The collective heartbreaks than any young lady would ever had to endure. I've endured.
I've always said I've suffered hell.
It is really hell for me, due to that event in 2005, that I would never forget. It is devilish and hell for any girl of my age. It is an individual experience that I don't wish to meet again.
I'm lucky that I've walked out of that shadow alone without any counsellor, and my endurance level is high.
Friends are walking in and out of my life. I've been filtering, hoping to find some gold in the puddle. So sad to say that, I'm much slower than others, & was never lucky enough.
My glass is always half-filled, My pasture is yellower than others, I'm dying here. It is just that I don't write it on my face, doesn't meant that I do not need someone.
Don't compare me with your life, it is different, how to compare? In such modernised world, where Gay rights are getting out of hand, how am I supposed to find or him to find me when there are so much obstacles along the way?
I'm not living a life a 19 year-old should have. Much more like a 89 year-old-grandma that is waiting for the day to come.
I used to be so passionate about meeting guys in every stage of my life.
When I was 6, I liked this guy a lot, but had to separate due to primary school.
When I was 7, the guy I liked in class told me he liked me, but I was ranked 20th.
When I was 12, I fall in love with someone, contribution starts, we were close, as good friends, he told me how much he loved my bestfriend.
When I was 13, I saw the guy I like flirting with my best girlfriend, & I almost lost her because of him.
When I was 14, I managed to get out of the shadow of the guy I loved when I was 12 and fell for another. It was a traumatising one as almost all of my girlfriends became his girlfriends. Soon, he was kicked out of school and went juvenile.
When I was 16, I fell in love with someone for 2 years, contributed, gave in, cried, bleed, humuliated. He said, he wants to be single but yet got attached 5 days later & scolded me for letting him know after a year. He was my best friend.
When I was 18, I fell in love with a stranger. That turns out to be a common friend. Gave in, money spent, time spent, contributed, he said he was single, I went for it. But it turns out that he is attached all along with his 'bestfriend' who was my close junior. Knew the truth 1 year later.
Now that I'm 19 going on 20 in 3 months time. I'm tired. I do not have any aim in life now.
Diploma is ending with lousy results that can't get me to any local universities.
Work? I don't know which industries should I devote my life to, I'm afraid to step out to carry heavy responsibilities when my soul is too weak for it.
This is my real life story, I've never felt love that what love should be. Family isn't love, family is warmth, comfort, familiarity, & my life.
But to me love is something that is happening around me, but not to me. Did I even gave love at the first place? Or did I gave my youth away?
How am I going to tell my kids next time, if I ever had one, what's my teenager life like?
It took me a lot of excuses to cover up 1 lie. I'm tired, I'm really am.
Reality is hurtful, Denial sucks. What should I do now?
Memories flood as the tears to my eyes,
I'll never get it solve,
no matter how much I lied.
Please stop telling me,
to wait and he'll be there.
For I've given up all hope,
to my Prince Charming Man.
I'll never get it solve,
no matter how much I lied.
Please stop telling me,
to wait and he'll be there.
For I've given up all hope,
to my Prince Charming Man.
